Liquid Courage

Drink: Pulling a Custer

Ratings:
Strength: 2/5 (musket)
Skill: 1/5 (galley slave)
Rank: ?/5 (up to you, cowboy)

[ingredients:]

• any shot (recommended: Buffalo Trace whiskey and Tabasco)

[preparation:]

1. Refuse an offer of a chaser.
2. Take shot.
3. Gasp for chaser but find none available.
4. You have “Pulled a Custer.”

NOTE: for a summary of the Battle of the Little Big Horn in the style of Rudyard Kipling’s Just So Stories, which is a totally obvious thing to do, please see the Briefing Room.

Background

Poor George Armstrong Custer.  He resides in the wing of American history devoted to those figures whose multifaceted careers are overshadowed in the popular imagination by one singular act (see also: Buckner, Bill; Hancock, John).  Custer was an American military officer who is and will forever be known primarily for leading troops into total annihilation by Native American warriors in 1876.  Still, there’s more to the man than a butt whupping, right?

A fan of publicity, but probably not this kind.

Custer was last in his class at the U.S. Military Academy, but graduated as the Civil War broke out.  So the jobs market was pretty good.  He was known for flashy uniforms and a love of publicity, but gained admirers for his aggressive tactics and willingness to lead charges.  He fought for the Union at the First Battle of Bull Run and at Gettysburg, and was present at General Lee’s surrender at Appomattox.  How interesting!  Sort of a poor-student-makes-good story, isn’t it?

Doesn’t matter – he and his troops got demolished at the Battle of the Little Big Horn.

Okay.  General Philip Sheridan was a sufficient fan of Custer that he presented Custer with the table upon which General Lee’s surrender was signed.  Custer gave it to his wife, Libbie, and it now resides in the Smithsonian.  In 1867 Custer was court-martialed for going AWOL in order to visit his wife.  How romantic!

Nobody cares – Custer got his ass and everybody else’s ass kicked by Sitting Bull in 1876.

They say Custer cussed like an Irishman.

Fair enough, but hear this: Reconstruction Era politics almost cost Custer his appointment as part of the campaign against the Sioux.  But his popularity with influential Army officers, and his own pleading, overrode President Grant’s animosity towards Custer and he was included in the campaign.  How tragic!  This has all the makings of some sweeping historical epic, directed by Oliver Stone and starring Colin Farrell!

Yawn – two thousand Native Americans booked Custer one-way passage on an express train to Deadville at the Battle of Greasy Grass Creek.

Fine!  Let’s talk about that, since it’s all anybody cares about.

Much of the events of “Custer’s Last Stand” remain debated.  The basic outline is that Custer took 700 men forward as part of the 7th Cavalry’s attack on a large Native American camp.  Custer split his forces into three groups to encircle the camp.  Custer was aware that he was probably outnumbered, but no one in the 7th Cavalry realized by just how much.  Custer has since been criticized for refusing reinforcements for the attack, for splitting his forces, and for leaving Gatling guns back at Yellowstone (back then, you could bring guns into a national park).  Yet all of those decisions were consistent with the information Custer had at the time, with standard American military strategy, and with his aggressive command style.

Looks heavy

What happened?  The other two prongs of Custer’s forces were driven back, allowing Sitting Bull’s entire force to focus on Custer’s prong.  Numbers vary wildly, but somewhere between 1,800 and 3,000 warriors attacked Custer’s 210 men on a bluff overlooking the camp.  Custer’s men likely made a stand in a circle, using dead horses and small ditches for cover.  They were quickly overrun and every single man was killed within an hour.  The remaining two prongs fought an inconclusive battle that day and the next, until U.S. reinforcements arrived, at which point Sitting Bull withdrew.

The nation at large, riding Manifest Destiny to the Pacific, was shocked by news of the defeat.  Blame for the trouncing was hotly contested, but Custer’s demise was quickly glorified in the national consciousness.  A trendy beer called Budweiser commissioned a lurid and entirely fabricated lithograph of Custer’s Last Stand, and put it up in every goddamn saloon in the country.

Man, that Custer was a hero. Barkeep, pour me another frosty.

Custer’s desire for publicity would probably be satisfied by the fame he enjoys today.  The specifics of that fame, however, he might not be so keen on.  The point is, Custer was a poor student, an aggressive and flashy Civil War office, a romantic, and was present for a lot of important mid-century events.  Also, he left Gatling guns at home and got everybody killed at the Battle of the Little Big Horn.

Drink: The Halls of Montezuma

Ratings:
Strength: 2/5 (musket)
Skill: 2/5 (national guard)
Rank: 4/5 (knight of the realm)

[Ingredients:]

• bourbon
• Kahlua

[Preparation:]

1. Pour half shot of bourbon into shot glass to represent the American Southern military tradition.
2. Fill the rest of the shot glass with Kahlua to represent the weaker but spirited Mexican defense.
3. Toast “Manifest Destiny” and the opportunistic nature of American foreign policy, and take shot.

Background

“From the halls of Montezuma,
To the shores of Tripoli;
We will fight our country’s battles
In the air, on land, and sea;“
-The Marines’ Hymn

A military branch as proud as the United States Marines chooses its keystone battles carefully.  The Battle of Chapultepec in 1847 contained just the right amount of glory, sacrifice, symbolism and ultimate victory to become the subject of the opening line of the Marines’ Hymn.

The Mexican-American War was fought between 1846 and 1848.  The pretext was a border dispute between Mexico and Texas (new to the Union in 1845).  President James Polk, riding high on Manifest Destiny, sought a war as a means for a southern land grab.

The Battle of Mexico City occurred in September 1847, and marked the last major battle of the war.  The Battle of Chapultepec refers to the American capturing of Chapultepec Castle.  Chapultepec Castle housed Mexico’s national military academy, marked the center of the ancient Aztec government in the city, and was a strategic point in General Santa Anna’s defense of the Mexican Capital.  In short, the Mexicans liked the place.

Okay boys, let's make ourselves an anthem!

Unfortunately for Mexican national pride, the US forces featured an all-star lineup of soon-to-be American Confederate Civil War generals.  Stonewall Jackson, Joseph Johnston, Pierre Beauregard, Robert E. Lee, and Ulysses S. Grant (the one notable Yankee) all took part in the battle.  The Americans’ coordinated assault overwhelmed the Mexican forces, some of whom were cadets as young as 13 years old.  There were heroics on both sides, however.  Grant cut a dashing figure by lugging a howitzer to the top of a bell tower in order to fire down upon a Mexican position.  The last Mexican cadet remaining in the castle achieved national immortality by wrapping himself in the Mexican flag and leaping off the high castle walls, saving the flag from disgrace by an invader’s touch.

The Union? Well...let me get back to you on that.

The Mexican forces retreated, with 2,623 casualties to the Americans’ 862.  The battle effectively ended the Mexican-American War, which concluded formally with the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo in February 1848.  Polk’s prize was Western Hemisphere bragging rights, and the ability to pay $18.25 million dollars for the land which would eventually become parts of California, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, Utah, Wyoming, Colorado and Texas.  Of course, the aforementioned Confederate Generals learned valuable tactics which they employed two decades later in their attempt to wrest that land from the Union.  But in 1847 the Americans were quite happy.