Liquid Courage

Drink: Pulling a Custer

Ratings:
Strength: 2/5 (musket)
Skill: 1/5 (galley slave)
Rank: ?/5 (up to you, cowboy)

[ingredients:]

• any shot (recommended: Buffalo Trace whiskey and Tabasco)

[preparation:]

1. Refuse an offer of a chaser.
2. Take shot.
3. Gasp for chaser but find none available.
4. You have “Pulled a Custer.”

NOTE: for a summary of the Battle of the Little Big Horn in the style of Rudyard Kipling’s Just So Stories, which is a totally obvious thing to do, please see the Briefing Room.

Background

Poor George Armstrong Custer.  He resides in the wing of American history devoted to those figures whose multifaceted careers are overshadowed in the popular imagination by one singular act (see also: Buckner, Bill; Hancock, John).  Custer was an American military officer who is and will forever be known primarily for leading troops into total annihilation by Native American warriors in 1876.  Still, there’s more to the man than a butt whupping, right?

A fan of publicity, but probably not this kind.

Custer was last in his class at the U.S. Military Academy, but graduated as the Civil War broke out.  So the jobs market was pretty good.  He was known for flashy uniforms and a love of publicity, but gained admirers for his aggressive tactics and willingness to lead charges.  He fought for the Union at the First Battle of Bull Run and at Gettysburg, and was present at General Lee’s surrender at Appomattox.  How interesting!  Sort of a poor-student-makes-good story, isn’t it?

Doesn’t matter – he and his troops got demolished at the Battle of the Little Big Horn.

Okay.  General Philip Sheridan was a sufficient fan of Custer that he presented Custer with the table upon which General Lee’s surrender was signed.  Custer gave it to his wife, Libbie, and it now resides in the Smithsonian.  In 1867 Custer was court-martialed for going AWOL in order to visit his wife.  How romantic!

Nobody cares – Custer got his ass and everybody else’s ass kicked by Sitting Bull in 1876.

They say Custer cussed like an Irishman.

Fair enough, but hear this: Reconstruction Era politics almost cost Custer his appointment as part of the campaign against the Sioux.  But his popularity with influential Army officers, and his own pleading, overrode President Grant’s animosity towards Custer and he was included in the campaign.  How tragic!  This has all the makings of some sweeping historical epic, directed by Oliver Stone and starring Colin Farrell!

Yawn – two thousand Native Americans booked Custer one-way passage on an express train to Deadville at the Battle of Greasy Grass Creek.

Fine!  Let’s talk about that, since it’s all anybody cares about.

Much of the events of “Custer’s Last Stand” remain debated.  The basic outline is that Custer took 700 men forward as part of the 7th Cavalry’s attack on a large Native American camp.  Custer split his forces into three groups to encircle the camp.  Custer was aware that he was probably outnumbered, but no one in the 7th Cavalry realized by just how much.  Custer has since been criticized for refusing reinforcements for the attack, for splitting his forces, and for leaving Gatling guns back at Yellowstone (back then, you could bring guns into a national park).  Yet all of those decisions were consistent with the information Custer had at the time, with standard American military strategy, and with his aggressive command style.

Looks heavy

What happened?  The other two prongs of Custer’s forces were driven back, allowing Sitting Bull’s entire force to focus on Custer’s prong.  Numbers vary wildly, but somewhere between 1,800 and 3,000 warriors attacked Custer’s 210 men on a bluff overlooking the camp.  Custer’s men likely made a stand in a circle, using dead horses and small ditches for cover.  They were quickly overrun and every single man was killed within an hour.  The remaining two prongs fought an inconclusive battle that day and the next, until U.S. reinforcements arrived, at which point Sitting Bull withdrew.

The nation at large, riding Manifest Destiny to the Pacific, was shocked by news of the defeat.  Blame for the trouncing was hotly contested, but Custer’s demise was quickly glorified in the national consciousness.  A trendy beer called Budweiser commissioned a lurid and entirely fabricated lithograph of Custer’s Last Stand, and put it up in every goddamn saloon in the country.

Man, that Custer was a hero. Barkeep, pour me another frosty.

Custer’s desire for publicity would probably be satisfied by the fame he enjoys today.  The specifics of that fame, however, he might not be so keen on.  The point is, Custer was a poor student, an aggressive and flashy Civil War office, a romantic, and was present for a lot of important mid-century events.  Also, he left Gatling guns at home and got everybody killed at the Battle of the Little Big Horn.

Drink: Shield and Friend

Ratings:
Strength: 1/5 (sling)
Skill: 4/5 (foreign legion)
Rank: 4/5 (knight of the realm)

[ingredients:]

• delicious Flemmish food
• friends
• the element of surprise

[preparation:]

1. Invite some friends over with an offer of delicious Belgian chocolates, Trappist Ales, pommes frites, and steamed mussels.
2. While their mouths are full, ask them to say “Shield and Friend” five times fast.
3. Punch the face of those who are unable to do so.
4. Wait in the bushes for their friends to come to your house, jump them, and steal their watches/earrings.

Background

Not a people known for fighting

Flanders, the Dutch/Flemish-speaking part of Belgium, has seen its fair share of major battles.  Waterloo, Ypres, and the Battle of the Bulge, to name a few.  One trait common to these battles is that they involved peoples other than the Flemish fighting for control of Europe.  Historically, Europe has used Flanders as its sandlot, a convenient rallying place for Great Powers to play games of Kick the Can for neighborhood bragging rights.  The Battle of the Golden Spurs, in 1302, is a notable instance of the Flemmish reppin’ in their own hood.

It is also, incidentally, one of history’s great examples of the military application of tongue twisters.  Not since the days of cavemen have a few men wrung so much mileage out of a few key words.

Say our names three times fast, or we'll clobber you and take your mammoth.

Several inopportune circumstances coincided to bring out the Flemmish fighting spirit.  France had officially added Flanders to its crown lands in 1297, but had not really done anything about it except update its maps.  At the same time, the Bruges wool brokers’ traditional monopoly on wool importation from England was being threatened by English King, “Factory Direct” Edward I, who was trying to bypass the Flemish merchants.  The Flemish appealed to French King Philip the Fair to protect their monopoly.  The French crown responded by garrisoning troops in Bruges and suppressing the wool guilds.

Had they known there is nothing to do in Bruges, the soldiers might not have come.

Objecting to being kicked out of their homes, a band of local militia crept back into town on the night of May 18th, 1302 and slaughtered the French soldiers in their beds.  To identify the occupying French (everyone looked the same in their stocking caps and  English-wool onesies), the militia asked their victims to pronounce a phrase very difficult for the French to say: “schild en vriend” which means “shield and friend.”  Only the leader of the French garrison (who was a big Rosetta Stone user) and a handful of others escaped with their lives.  A few native Flemmish who slept with retainers in their mouths were also killed accidentally.

As could be expected, the French were upset.  France was an imposing continental power, and things like this just didn’t happen to the glorious French military (not yet anyway).  King Philip sent 8,000 professional knights, infantry and crossbowmen into Flanders to punish the uppity wool merchants.  The Flemmings (yes, that is a correct name for them) brought out 3,000 men-at-arms from Bruges and another 5,500 from farther afield.  Despite being armed mainly with pointy sticks called Goedendag, the Flemmings made excellent tactical decisions.  They met the French in a field littered with trees, steams and ditches, making life difficult for the well-armored, and extremely heavy, French cavalry.

The two sides clashed on July 11th, 1302.  The French infantry was on the verge of breaking the Flemmings when the French commander Robert of Artois called them back so the cavalry could sweep in and claim victory (the infantry needed one more win to trigger an expensive vesting option in their contract for 1303).  French servants had been filling the streams and ditches with wood to help support the knights, but Robert did not wait for them to finish.  He sent the cavalry forward.  The knights were slaughtered by the mobile Flemmish infantry as the heavy horses and soldiers sank into the marshy ground.

My trusty cheval Jean-Luc-The-Horse and I are unstoppable! Now pull us out of this mud. Chop chop.

The battle turned into a rout, and the Flemmish pursued the French over ten kilometers.  Not in the mood to deal with captives, the Flemmish killed a lot of extremely high-ranking French officers and noblemen, including Robert of Artois and the French-appointed Governor of Flanders.  At least a thousand French knights were killed, from whom the Flemmish gathered golden spurs as trophies of their victory (and tons of xp).  Those spurs gave the battle its name.

Drink: The Gordian Shot

Ratings:
Strength: 2/5 (musket)
Skill: 2/5 (national guard)
Rank: 3/5 (centurion)

[Ingredients:]

• Monster Energy Drink (or other citrus-flavored energy drink)
• red wine
• lime

[Preparation:]

1. Mix equal parts red wine and energy drink.
2. Distribute into shot glasses, because life is too short to sip.
3. Chase with lime wedge.

Background

Throughout time, innumerable men and women have given themselves the title, “The Great.”  It is only the rarefied few who keep that title more than 2,300 years after their death.  History has concluded that Alexander of Macedon, son of King Philip II, student of Aristotle, was no mere Alex.  By the time he was thirty, Alexander had conquered the world from Greece to India, founded a dozen cities, cut the Gordian Knot, and generally became notable enough to warrant mention in both the Bible and the Persian Book of Kings, Shāhnāmé (the National Epic of Iran).  Alexander the Great indeed.

Artists agree that Alexander had fabulous hair

Befitting such a figure, Alexander the Great’s life has become a mixture of fact and legend.  The accounts of several ancient historians can be pieced together to provide a rough timeline of his life (a timeline since embellished by contemporary biographers like Richard Burton and Oliver Stone).  He was born in Macedon in 356 BC to Philip II and Olympias, a Greek Princess.  When Alexander was twenty years old, his father was murdered in public at his sister Cleopatra’s wedding.  Historians disagree on the extent of Alexander or Olympias’s involvement with the murder, but generally favor Alexander’s innocence.  With the support of the army, Alexander took over leadership of Macedon.

What followed was ten years of uninterrupted military victory and myth-making.  Alexander led his armies to a series of stunning victories against the powerful Persian Empire.  He traveled south to Egypt to investigate his possible divinity (results inconclusive).  In the Phrygian capital of Gordium, the city leaders presented him with the famous Gordian Knot.  The man who untied the knot, so a legend told, was destined to be the ruler of all Asia.  Stories differ on how Alexander responded to the challenge.  In the most famous version, in a show of bravado and pragmatism befitting a twenty-something world conqueror, Alexander simply cut the knot with his sword.

It's all about the Alexanders, baby

Alexander toppled the Persian empire in a second campaign and defeated an army equipped with terrifying elephants in India.  The great Persian treasury he captured as part of his Persian campaign contained so much gold that it may have made Alexander the richest man ever (adjusting for inflation).  He marched his armies to Babylon, but there he died under yet more mysterious circumstances.  What is known is that on May 29, 323 BC, an ill Alexander retired to bed after a several-day bender involving many men and women of ill repute.  He stayed in bed for eleven days before dying.  Theories abound as to the cause of death: malaria, typhoid, viral encephalitis. What is likely, however, is that the great Alexander simply partied too hard.