Liquid Courage

Drink: The Picnic Sprint

Ratings:
Strength: 3/5 (tank)
Skill: 4/5 (foreign legion)
Rank: 3/5 (centurion)

[Ingredients:]

• lemonade
• champagne
• corn whiskey
• cucumber sandwiches
• picnic blanket [optional]

[Preparation:]

1. Mix two parts champagne and lemonade in an elegant champagne flute.
2. Sip your beverage while enjoying cucumber sandwiches, preferably while sitting on a red and white checkered picnic blanket.
3. When half of drink is finished, unceremoniously pour in a shot (or two) of corn whiskey.
4. Pound the remainder of the drink, grab the last cucumber sandwich, give a rebel yell and take off running.
5. Insult the manhood and question the honor of anyone you blow past.

Background

“You are green it is true, but they are green, also; you all are green alike.” ~ President Lincoln, addressing a general’s concern about the unpreparedness of their troops before the First Battle of Bull Run.

In July 1861, spirits in the United States were high.  Sure, a Civil War was about to break out, but both the North and the South anticipated a short, glorious affair.  Political leaders on both sides pooh-pooh’d their generals’ concerns about unprepared troops, and demanded action.  The Civil War Bowl Committee selected the fields outside of Manassas, Virginia as the site of the inaugural battle.

The South won the coin flip and elected to defer to the second half (a new rule change that year).

Despite the supposed neutrality of the Bowl Committee’s selected site, Manassas was a sensitive location for both sides.  For the South, its railroad junction connected the Shenandoah Valley to areas farther South.  For the North, Manassas’s proximity to Washington D.C. (merely 25 miles) allowed the Union a considerable advantage in the number of spectators who turned out to watch the battle on Bowl Sunday, July 21st.

Yes, members of the Washington elite, including congressmen and their wives, came to picnic and watch the battle.

Some showed up as early as 3 am to tailgate in their coach-and-fours, drink champagne, and grill cucumber sandwiches.

The Union forces elected to kick off, and it looked like they had the early advantage.  Confederate General Pierre Gustave Beaugard deployed his Confederate forces anticipating a Union attack near the railroad bridge over Bull Run.  The Union forces, led by George McDowell, instead attacked the Southern bench a few miles upstream.  Outnumbered and caught in the middle of a chalk talk with their offensive line coach, the Confederate troops nevertheless managed to slow the Northern assault sufficiently to avoid a rout.  But by the end of the first quarter, the Confederates had been driven back towards the railroad junction.

The momentum swung early in the second quarter when a brigade of Virginian troops, led by one Thomas J. Jackson, stopped the Northern advance in their tracks.  A Southern general exclaimed, “There is Jackson standing like a stone wall!  Rally behind the Virginians!  Ten, three, thirteen, thirty-three, hike!”

The event led to Jackon's famous moniker "Stonewall Jackson," replacing his previous nickname, "Silky Sweet Jackson."

At halftime, the Union troops still appeared to have the advantage, and the Union bleachers were yelling “Scoreboard!” at the few Confederate fans who had driven up in a rally bus.  Things went south for the North in the second half, however.

The hastily-scheduled inaugural Civil War battle (designed to get high telegraph ratings during the summer re-run season) meant that the South did not have time to design new uniforms, or even a flag.  After all, everybody had been in the same Army just a few months prior.  So the Union and Southern forces were both wearing blue uniforms (Lincoln confused his greens and blues).  This caused Union artillery to mistake Jackson’s charging troops for reinforcements.  No one picked up Jackon’s lead blocker, and the Union artillery were annihilated. (Some historians believe that the Union artillery were confused by the Confederate sideline’s chant of “C-S-A! C-S-A!” which sounded similar to the Union sideline’s ”U-S-A! U-S-A.”)

"I say, Methias, those blokes a'comin this way sure look peeved. And the crowd's goin' nuts!"

Contractual issues also turned the tide against the North.  Whereas the Southern troops were mostly rookies years away from arbitration, many Union soldiers were nearing the end of their 90-day enlistments.  When the South gained the upper hand in the afternoon, these troops decided they wanted to live to see their free agency, and fled in rather spectacular fashion.  Shedding their weapons and supplies, they ran past the Union cheering section, who booed them for cowardice even as the spectators themselves fled the field, leaving behind half-finished scorecards, giant foam fingers, and weak-ankled Congressional secretaries.

While the Southern press jubilantly celebrated the victory (and the Southern troops did the “Confederate Shuffle” at midfield), generals on both sides realized that the war would not be over as quickly as the civilian populations hoped.  The South’s disorganization prevented it from pressing its advantage toward Washington D.C., and it was months before the North even considered moving back into Virginia.  For the moment, however, the South beat the spread on casualties and claimed the top spot in the Civil War Power Rankings.

NOTE: The Union referred to the battle as the “First Battle of Bull Run,” while the Confederacy called it the “First Battle of Manassas.”  Least used is the technically-correct name, ”The Robert T. Goodfellow and Sons Haberdashery and Fine Dry Goods Emporium Bowl.”