Liquid Courage

The Boers in the Velt Gang, led by Butch Transvaal and the Orange Free State Kid, are all dead now…but once they ruled Southern Africa!

General Koos de lay Rey, President Kruger, and Christiaan de Wet, leaders of the Boer war effort

The Second Boer War took place in the Wild West of Southern Africa at the turn of the century.  What was it about?  The same thing dust-ups like these are always about, my friend.  Two independent Boer Republics came to loggerheads with the British over diamonds and gold discovered in the area.  British gold miners moved in from the southern Cape Colony, tensions increased, the British government tried to boss the Boers around, somebody cheated at cards, and war was declared.

The thing you got to understand, now, is that President Kruger of Transvaal saw the writing on the wall.  The British had fought the Boers in 1881, and now they were back, the smell of gold and colonialism in their upturned nostrils.  So Kruger allied Transvaal with the Orange Free State, equipped his militia with the best weapons available, and took the initiative.  He told the British they had 48 hours to withdraw, as “el dinero…es nuestro.”  The British laughed heartily at the moxie of the two tiny republics.  So the Boer Republics declared war on Britain on October 11th and shot the bejeesus out of them.

Can we not move? We're better when we don't move.

At first, the Boers whipped the British.  The Boers had no official army, you see, but rather an enthusiastic militia of farmers and hunters.  In hunting, it’s best to hit with your first shot, so your quarry doesn’t scatter.  This applied equally well to shooting the British.  And when community gatherings include 100-yard egg shooting contests (as the Boers enjoyed), you’re going to end up with good local marksmen.  The Boers had superior marksmen, excellent tactics, modern guns, knowledge of the terrain, and the ability to pronounce place names like Ysterspruit, Klerksdorp, Tweebosch, and Groenkloof.  The British, by contrast, kept trying to take the train from Elandslaagte to Magersfontein, only to get off in Bloemfontein, which was ridiculous.

The Boers embarrassed the British from October to December 1899, culminating with three spectacular victories over superior British numbers during “Black Week” (Dec. 10-15th).  After that, the British stopped messing around and changed tactics, over the protestations of a peppy railroad worker named Woodcock who thought the Boers were admirable gentlemen and if he was gonna get his colonialism powergrab repulsed, well there was nobody he’d rather repulse it than them.

Who ARE those guys?

The British brought in troops from Australia, New Zealand, Canada and British South Africa.  They initiated a scorched earth campaign to deprive the Boer militia of sustenance, and forced Boer civilians and sympathetic Africans into inhuman concentration camps (in which thousands died).  They built elaborate defensive fortifications, and began territory sweeps designed to root out Boer fighters.  The British also sent in Lord Kitchener to command the British offensive, and possibly an Indian tracker named Lord Baltimore and the toughest lawman in the West, Joe Lefors, whom you could always identify because he wore a white skimmer.

The Boers, led by chivalrous General Koos de lay Rey and mustachioed Christiaan de Wet, turned to guerrilla tactics to resist the British.  The guerrilla units operated in their home districts, living off the land and conducting quick, violent strikes against British troops and infrastructure.  The traditional British military units at first found they controlled only the sectors they physically occupied.  They had to deal with an enemy that blended into the sympathetic local population and avoided traditional military confrontations.  The British response, scorched earth and concentration camps, caused public discomfort back in England and political hearings were held.  Lord Kitchener was accused of pursuing military objectives with insufficient regard for civilian casualties.

So, in other words, not much here that could be applied to today’s modern insurgency problems.  Ancient history, folks.

By May 1902 the Boer resistance had been defeated, and the Treaty of Vereeniging (or as the British called it, “The Treaty of Ver….thingy”) signed on May 31, 1902 ended the conflict.  Transvaal and the Orange Free State were placed under the British Empire, and became part of the Union of South Africa in 1910.  The Union was the precursor to the Republic of South Africa, which y’all remember as a glitch-free enterprise, of course.

How to Make a “Boer Republic:”

[Ingredients]:

• 2 oz Grand “Free State Orange” Mariner
• 2 oz Godiva “We’re Dutch” Chocolate Liqueur
• kiwi

[Preparation]:

1. Mix alcohols over ice.  Garnish with kiwi slice.

How’s It Taste?

• 4 out of 5; mighty tasty.

Is It Hard To Make?

• 2 out of 5; no.

Does It Pack A Punch?

• 3 out of 5; don’t go overboard.

Hereeeeeeee's Hernán!

On March 4th, 1519, Hernán Cortés landed on the Yucatán Peninsula.  It was a bold move.  Cortés had been given command of a Spanish expedition to the Mexican interior by Diego Velázquez, the Spanish governor of Cuba.  Velázquez and Cortés were colonialism drinking buddies, but when it became clear to Velázquez that Mexican glory > Cuban glory, Velázquez tried to revoke Cortés’ command.  Cortés killed the messenger (literally), and when Velázquez arrived personally to stop him, Cortés waved adios to Velázquez from the helm of a ship.

Cortés sailed off to the mainland with 11 ships, 100 sailors and 530 soldiers.  On the Yucatán Peninsula he met the two people who would allow him to whisper silky words into the ears of the Aztecs: Geronimo de Aguilar, a shipwrecked sailor who had been living with the Maya, and La Malinche, a native woman given as a slave to the Spanish.  Aguilar spoke Spanish and Mayan, and La Malinche spoke Mayan and the Aztec language Nahuatl.  An effective game of New World Telephone ensued, and the rest, as they say, is lamentable.

Moctezuma II greeting Cortés

Cortés was a talented and persuasive military leader, and proved adept at manipulating alliances and social power structures he encountered in the native civilizations.  A massacre here, a hostage taking there, sprinkle with smallpox, and within two and a half years the Aztec Empire was in ruins.  On August 13, 1521, the city of Tenochtitlan surrendered to Cortés’ besieging forces, and that was that.

So pour out a splash of mezcal for the Aztec Empire.  Say what you will about their penchant for human sacrifice and oppression of surrounding peoples; the Aztecs were no match for the wildly successful combination of Spanish colonialism, New World Telephone, and smallpox.

Drink: Pulling a Custer

Ratings:
Strength: 2/5 (musket)
Skill: 1/5 (galley slave)
Rank: ?/5 (up to you, cowboy)

[ingredients:]

• any shot (recommended: Buffalo Trace whiskey and Tabasco)

[preparation:]

1. Refuse an offer of a chaser.
2. Take shot.
3. Gasp for chaser but find none available.
4. You have “Pulled a Custer.”

NOTE: for a summary of the Battle of the Little Big Horn in the style of Rudyard Kipling’s Just So Stories, which is a totally obvious thing to do, please see the Briefing Room.

Background

Poor George Armstrong Custer.  He resides in the wing of American history devoted to those figures whose multifaceted careers are overshadowed in the popular imagination by one singular act (see also: Buckner, Bill; Hancock, John).  Custer was an American military officer who is and will forever be known primarily for leading troops into total annihilation by Native American warriors in 1876.  Still, there’s more to the man than a butt whupping, right?

A fan of publicity, but probably not this kind.

Custer was last in his class at the U.S. Military Academy, but graduated as the Civil War broke out.  So the jobs market was pretty good.  He was known for flashy uniforms and a love of publicity, but gained admirers for his aggressive tactics and willingness to lead charges.  He fought for the Union at the First Battle of Bull Run and at Gettysburg, and was present at General Lee’s surrender at Appomattox.  How interesting!  Sort of a poor-student-makes-good story, isn’t it?

Doesn’t matter – he and his troops got demolished at the Battle of the Little Big Horn.

Okay.  General Philip Sheridan was a sufficient fan of Custer that he presented Custer with the table upon which General Lee’s surrender was signed.  Custer gave it to his wife, Libbie, and it now resides in the Smithsonian.  In 1867 Custer was court-martialed for going AWOL in order to visit his wife.  How romantic!

Nobody cares – Custer got his ass and everybody else’s ass kicked by Sitting Bull in 1876.

They say Custer cussed like an Irishman.

Fair enough, but hear this: Reconstruction Era politics almost cost Custer his appointment as part of the campaign against the Sioux.  But his popularity with influential Army officers, and his own pleading, overrode President Grant’s animosity towards Custer and he was included in the campaign.  How tragic!  This has all the makings of some sweeping historical epic, directed by Oliver Stone and starring Colin Farrell!

Yawn – two thousand Native Americans booked Custer one-way passage on an express train to Deadville at the Battle of Greasy Grass Creek.

Fine!  Let’s talk about that, since it’s all anybody cares about.

Much of the events of “Custer’s Last Stand” remain debated.  The basic outline is that Custer took 700 men forward as part of the 7th Cavalry’s attack on a large Native American camp.  Custer split his forces into three groups to encircle the camp.  Custer was aware that he was probably outnumbered, but no one in the 7th Cavalry realized by just how much.  Custer has since been criticized for refusing reinforcements for the attack, for splitting his forces, and for leaving Gatling guns back at Yellowstone (back then, you could bring guns into a national park).  Yet all of those decisions were consistent with the information Custer had at the time, with standard American military strategy, and with his aggressive command style.

Looks heavy

What happened?  The other two prongs of Custer’s forces were driven back, allowing Sitting Bull’s entire force to focus on Custer’s prong.  Numbers vary wildly, but somewhere between 1,800 and 3,000 warriors attacked Custer’s 210 men on a bluff overlooking the camp.  Custer’s men likely made a stand in a circle, using dead horses and small ditches for cover.  They were quickly overrun and every single man was killed within an hour.  The remaining two prongs fought an inconclusive battle that day and the next, until U.S. reinforcements arrived, at which point Sitting Bull withdrew.

The nation at large, riding Manifest Destiny to the Pacific, was shocked by news of the defeat.  Blame for the trouncing was hotly contested, but Custer’s demise was quickly glorified in the national consciousness.  A trendy beer called Budweiser commissioned a lurid and entirely fabricated lithograph of Custer’s Last Stand, and put it up in every goddamn saloon in the country.

Man, that Custer was a hero. Barkeep, pour me another frosty.

Custer’s desire for publicity would probably be satisfied by the fame he enjoys today.  The specifics of that fame, however, he might not be so keen on.  The point is, Custer was a poor student, an aggressive and flashy Civil War office, a romantic, and was present for a lot of important mid-century events.  Also, he left Gatling guns at home and got everybody killed at the Battle of the Little Big Horn.