Liquid Courage

Great Britain vs. Spain
1739-1748

Many history drinkers need no excuse to repair to the porch on a summer evening with a gin and tonic.  But there is always military history to toast, and the gin and tonic is a perfect excuse to remember an obscure and bizarrely-named example of European colonial fisticuffs: The War of Jenkins’ Ear.

Gin and Tonic

• British gin
• tonic water
• lime
• ice

An 18th-Century war between the British and the Spanish highlights the elegance and historical resonance of the gin and tonic.  British colonies used gin to mask the bitter flavor of the quinine in tonic water, which was taken to prevent malaria.  The British Navy provided sailors with limes to prevent scurvy (thus the name ‘limey’).  Why limes and not oranges or lemons, which have more vitamin C?  Lemons and oranges came from Spain, which alternated as a British trading and warring partner.  Limes were obtained more reliably from the British West Indies, where the War of Jenkins’ Ear largely took place.

A drink that prevents malaria and scurvy, remembers The War of Jenkins’ Ear, and perfectly compliments a warm summer evening?  The gin and tonic deserves its canonical place in the ranks of history drinks.

Ratings:

• Strength: 3/5; the ratio of gin to tonic is a question of taste 
• Skill: 2/5; simple is as simple does
• Rank: 5/5; delicious

Background

The 1713 Treaty of Utrecht gave Britain a 30-year contract to supply the Spanish Caribbean colonies with slaves, goods, and sunburned mariners suffering vitamin C deficiencies.  As the old saying goes, when you give the British Empire a centimetre, they take a hectometre.  Suspecting the British of abusing the contract, the Spanish began inspecting British ships and seizing illicit cargo.

These search and seizures were testy moments, and Spanish ship captain Julio León “Mr. Blonde” Fandiño was a little overzealous in his punishment of offenders.  In 1731 Fandiño boarded the British brig Rebecca, accused the boat of piracy, and cut off the left ear of the Rebecca’s captain, Robert Jenkins.  Fandiño sang several lines of ‘Stuck In The Middle With You’ as he did this.

Hey, Captain Jenkins. Don't stick your thumbs in your ears and wiggle your fingers at the Spanish. That Mr. Blonde has an ill-favored look.

What Señor Blonde did not know was that Robert Jenkins was going to keep that ear for seven years and then present it to the British Commons during an inquiry into “Spanish Depredations upon the British Subjects.”  Jenkins’ moving testimony, when he asked the Commons, “How do I look?” and the Speaker replied, “I don’t know what to tell you, Robert,” pushed Parliament towards making war on Spain.  Aside from that moment, however, everyone agreed that Jenkins’ pickled ear was disturbing, and that his keeping it on the mantle for seven years was precisely the sort of thing his friends alluded to when declining his dinner party invitations.

In the summer of 1739, King George II ordered the British Navy to attack and seize Spanish ships and possessions in the West Indies.  War soon followed.  On November 22nd, 1739, six British ships of the line captured the poorly-defended town of Porto Bello on the coast of Panama.  The battle was a walkover, but Britain overreacted by christening Portobello Road in London, awarding the most medals of any 18th century battle, and playing “Rule Britannia” for the first, second, and millionth time.

The war lasted for three more years.  British Prime Minister Robert Walpole fell as a result of his lackluster enthusiasm for the war.  George Anson accidentally circumnavigated the globe, capturing a lot of Spanish gold and losing nine-tenths of his men along the way.  By mid-1742, the war was merged into a general European fracas (War of the Austrian Succession), as these things tended to go.  In the large view of European tiffs, The War of Jenkins’ Ear was a relatively lackluster affair, except to those people who had to hang out with Robert Jenkins from 1731 onwards.

The Boers in the Velt Gang, led by Butch Transvaal and the Orange Free State Kid, are all dead now…but once they ruled Southern Africa!

General Koos de lay Rey, President Kruger, and Christiaan de Wet, leaders of the Boer war effort

The Second Boer War took place in the Wild West of Southern Africa at the turn of the century.  What was it about?  The same thing dust-ups like these are always about, my friend.  Two independent Boer Republics came to loggerheads with the British over diamonds and gold discovered in the area.  British gold miners moved in from the southern Cape Colony, tensions increased, the British government tried to boss the Boers around, somebody cheated at cards, and war was declared.

The thing you got to understand, now, is that President Kruger of Transvaal saw the writing on the wall.  The British had fought the Boers in 1881, and now they were back, the smell of gold and colonialism in their upturned nostrils.  So Kruger allied Transvaal with the Orange Free State, equipped his militia with the best weapons available, and took the initiative.  He told the British they had 48 hours to withdraw, as “el dinero…es nuestro.”  The British laughed heartily at the moxie of the two tiny republics.  So the Boer Republics declared war on Britain on October 11th and shot the bejeesus out of them.

Can we not move? We're better when we don't move.

At first, the Boers whipped the British.  The Boers had no official army, you see, but rather an enthusiastic militia of farmers and hunters.  In hunting, it’s best to hit with your first shot, so your quarry doesn’t scatter.  This applied equally well to shooting the British.  And when community gatherings include 100-yard egg shooting contests (as the Boers enjoyed), you’re going to end up with good local marksmen.  The Boers had superior marksmen, excellent tactics, modern guns, knowledge of the terrain, and the ability to pronounce place names like Ysterspruit, Klerksdorp, Tweebosch, and Groenkloof.  The British, by contrast, kept trying to take the train from Elandslaagte to Magersfontein, only to get off in Bloemfontein, which was ridiculous.

The Boers embarrassed the British from October to December 1899, culminating with three spectacular victories over superior British numbers during “Black Week” (Dec. 10-15th).  After that, the British stopped messing around and changed tactics, over the protestations of a peppy railroad worker named Woodcock who thought the Boers were admirable gentlemen and if he was gonna get his colonialism powergrab repulsed, well there was nobody he’d rather repulse it than them.

Who ARE those guys?

The British brought in troops from Australia, New Zealand, Canada and British South Africa.  They initiated a scorched earth campaign to deprive the Boer militia of sustenance, and forced Boer civilians and sympathetic Africans into inhuman concentration camps (in which thousands died).  They built elaborate defensive fortifications, and began territory sweeps designed to root out Boer fighters.  The British also sent in Lord Kitchener to command the British offensive, and possibly an Indian tracker named Lord Baltimore and the toughest lawman in the West, Joe Lefors, whom you could always identify because he wore a white skimmer.

The Boers, led by chivalrous General Koos de lay Rey and mustachioed Christiaan de Wet, turned to guerrilla tactics to resist the British.  The guerrilla units operated in their home districts, living off the land and conducting quick, violent strikes against British troops and infrastructure.  The traditional British military units at first found they controlled only the sectors they physically occupied.  They had to deal with an enemy that blended into the sympathetic local population and avoided traditional military confrontations.  The British response, scorched earth and concentration camps, caused public discomfort back in England and political hearings were held.  Lord Kitchener was accused of pursuing military objectives with insufficient regard for civilian casualties.

So, in other words, not much here that could be applied to today’s modern insurgency problems.  Ancient history, folks.

By May 1902 the Boer resistance had been defeated, and the Treaty of Vereeniging (or as the British called it, “The Treaty of Ver….thingy”) signed on May 31, 1902 ended the conflict.  Transvaal and the Orange Free State were placed under the British Empire, and became part of the Union of South Africa in 1910.  The Union was the precursor to the Republic of South Africa, which y’all remember as a glitch-free enterprise, of course.

How to Make a “Boer Republic:”

[Ingredients]:

• 2 oz Grand “Free State Orange” Mariner
• 2 oz Godiva “We’re Dutch” Chocolate Liqueur
• kiwi

[Preparation]:

1. Mix alcohols over ice.  Garnish with kiwi slice.

How’s It Taste?

• 4 out of 5; mighty tasty.

Is It Hard To Make?

• 2 out of 5; no.

Does It Pack A Punch?

• 3 out of 5; don’t go overboard.

Drink: Old Hickory’s Delight

Ratings:
Strength: 3/5 (tank)
Skill: 3/5 (grenadiers)
Rank: 4/5 (knight of the realm)

[ingredients:]

• 2 parts rye whiskey
• 1 dash bitters
• 1 sugar cube
• 1 tsp absinthe
• 1 hickory stick or $20 dollar bill

[preparation:]

1. Mix bitters and sugar cube in a glass.
2. Add whiskey.
3. Swish the absinthe inside a chilled (old fashioned) glass to coat the sides.
4. Pour the bitters, sugar, and whiskey mixture into the absinthe-coated glass.
5. Stir and garnish with a hickory stick or $20.
6. Drink slowly and deliberately, after the party is over, and while the band is playing Johnny Horton’s “The Battle of New Orleans.”

Background

In a world…torn by war…sometimes…a few men…are all that stand…between defeat…and freedom…
~promotional tag line from The Battle of New Orleans (1815)

The American Revolutionary War was so successful for the Colonies that they decided to have another war with Britain in 1812.  The newly-United States was roiled by divisive politics and everybody just wanted to feel that way again.  Sure enough, the war ushered in an American “Era of Good Feelings” despite its lack of significant changes to the status quo.  The Battle of New Orleans was a major element of this feel-good war narrative.  Now, the “Battle” was not a collaborative charity rap album, but rather one of the most significant American land victories of the war.  Sadly, it took place after the war was over.

Volume 1 drops this Tuesday! Pick it up at dry goods emporiums near you!

The Setting: New Orleans.  At the time, it was the second largest port in the United States, filled with a dazzling array of consumer goods and beautiful and exotic women, who glided down its streets in fancy dresses, make up, and in slow motion.

The Players: The British landed 8,000 troops on the Louisiana coast in December 1814.  They were poorly supplied for the wet, cold winter.  The three British commanding generals disagreed over whether to push directly towards New Orleans, or prepare for a full-strength attack.  They decided to camp at the Lacoste Plantation, where they played dispirited, soggy games of polo and lost their favorite pack mule to an alligator attack.  Their delay allowed the plucky American soldiers, led by rakish General Andrew “Never Tell Me The Odds” Jackson, to fortify the Rodriguez Canal four miles south of New Orleans.

In a world...torn by war...sometimes...a beautiful spring line...is all that stands...between defeat...and freedom... Lacoste!

Jackson’s troops represented a kaleidoscope of backgrounds, disciplines, and ethnicities.  He commanded Mississippi cavalry, militia from Tennessee and Louisiana, the “Louisiana Blues” (an Irish unit), a free black unit of Haitian immigrants and an “on loan” slave unit, French-speaking pirates, Choctaw Indians, a tough union dockworker from Baltimore, a quiet Jewish kid from Queens, a handsome-yet-naive blond ballplayer from small town Iowa, an educated Dartmouth philosophy major who looked down on his rural comrades, a quiet and deeply pious Hispanic soldier who was not afraid of death, a psychotic and tattooed Arkansas drug dealer who ended up sacrificing himself to save the grizzled seen-it-all-vet who despised him, a tough-but-kindly Kentucky field medic with a family back home who signed up for one more tour because he loved his country but who everybody just knew was going to die, and an uncredited Tom Sizemore.

The machine at the train station was all out of Choctaw For Soldiers

Some touching early moments, in which Jackson’s orders were translated from English into French, Spanish and Choctaw, provided support to the thematic narrative of a war being fought between a homogenous, colonialist past, and a multi-ethnic, pluralistic future.  Still, Jackson and the American public were expecting a huge British attack on the American southeast, and prepared for the worst.

The two sides skirmished inconclusively in late December and exchanged artillery fire on New Year’s Day, 1815.  Men ran for cover as shells screamed dramatically through the air, explosions tore through tents, and occasionally the action lingered on the mud and water covering an officer’s uniform while the audio fell so you could hear him take one rasping breath.  The grizzled vet never flinched as the shells fell, and the rest of the troop looked at him with a mixture of horror and awe.  However, like most everything else, the artillery duel was inconclusive, and the British stopped after three hours when they ran low on ammunition.*

Cut To: The Netherlands, where British and American representatives signed the Treaty of Ghent on December 24, 1814.  This ended the war.  One remembers (doesn’t one?) a young officer outside the Veldstraat, his mouth contorted with the effort of screaming, “They signed the treaty!  The Treaty of Ghent!  Treaty of Ghent!  Ghennnnnnt!” but being drowned out by the roar of an unseasonably bad winter of weather in the Atlantic which slowed the news traveling towards New Orleans.

"Well, glad that's finished. Shall we inform America?" "Yes, but I could really use a drink." "Brilliant idea. I'll call the coach and fours."

Tragically unaware of the formal cessation of hostilities between them, the two sides fought (finally) decisively on January 8th.  The British attacked the American fortifications, but their plan shat the bed.  The troops who were ordered to take the guns on the American right flank got mired in the mud and were twelve(!) hours late.  The British infantry attacking the American center arrived without the ladders needed to climb the fortifications, and were cut down from above, frequently in slow motion.  British General Bakenham was killed, dying heroically while urging on his soldiers as violins played sweetly, somewhere in the background, oh how sweetly.  And all along the line, American soldiers put aside their differences and together fought the British with valor and camaraderie, confirming the thematic victory of the glorious present over the backward past.  In slow motion.

That day, 1994 British soldiers were killed, wounded, or went missing.  The Americans suffered 34 casualties, including the Baltimore union dockworker and that Kentucky field medic we all really liked.  News of the American victory shocked the nation and made Andrew Jackson into a national hero.**  The British returned to their ships to prepare for an attack on Mobile, Alabama, but news of the Treaty of Ghent arrived in a postscript narrated by an uncredited Morgan Freeman, and everybody went home happy.

*One event which was not inconclusive was a touching No Man’s Land soccer match between the two sides, which the British won handily because the Americans had to have the game explained to them, first in English, and then in Spanish, French and Cochtaw.

** Those Choctaw Indians probably regret this one, as the battle made Andrew Jackson famous and helped him land in the White House, where he spent a lot of time screwing over the Native Americans.