Jul 6 2010

The War of Jenkins’ Ear

Great Britain vs. Spain
1739-1748

Many history drinkers need no excuse to repair to the porch on a summer evening with a gin and tonic.  But there is always military history to toast, and the gin and tonic is a perfect excuse to remember an obscure and bizarrely-named example of European colonial fisticuffs: The War of Jenkins’ Ear.

Gin and Tonic

  • British gin
  • tonic water
  • lime
  • ice

An 18th-Century war between the British and the Spanish highlights the elegance and historical resonance of the gin and tonic.  British colonies used gin to mask the bitter flavor of the quinine in tonic water, which was taken to prevent malaria.  The British Navy provided sailors with limes to prevent scurvy (thus the name ‘limey’).  Why limes and not oranges or lemons, which have more vitamin C?  Lemons and oranges came from Spain, which alternated as a British trading and warring partner.  Limes were obtained more reliably from the British West Indies, where the War of Jenkins’ Ear largely took place.

A drink that prevents malaria and scurvy, remembers The War of Jenkins’ Ear, and perfectly compliments a warm summer evening?  The gin and tonic deserves its canonical place in the ranks of history drinks.

Ratings:

  • Strength: 3/5; the ratio of gin to tonic is a question of taste 
  • Skill: 2/5; simple is as simple does
  • Rank: 5/5; delicious

Background

The 1713 Treaty of Utrecht gave Britain a 30-year contract to supply the Spanish Caribbean colonies with slaves, goods, and sunburned mariners suffering vitamin C deficiencies.  As the old saying goes, when you give the British Empire a centimetre, they take a hectometre.  Suspecting the British of abusing the contract, the Spanish began inspecting British ships and seizing illicit cargo.

These search and seizures were testy moments, and Spanish ship captain Julio León “Mr. Blonde” Fandiño was a little overzealous in his punishment of offenders.  In 1731 Fandiño boarded the British brig Rebecca, accused the boat of piracy, and cut off the left ear of the Rebecca’s captain, Robert Jenkins.  Fandiño sang several lines of ‘Stuck In The Middle With You’ as he did this.

Hey, Captain Jenkins.  Don't stick your thumbs in your ears and wiggle your fingers at the Spanish.  That Mr. Blonde has an ill-favored look.

Hey, Captain Jenkins. Don't stick your thumbs in your ears and wiggle your fingers at the Spanish. That Mr. Blonde has an ill-favored look.

What Señor Blonde did not know was that Robert Jenkins was going to keep that ear for seven years and then present it to the British Commons during an inquiry into “Spanish Depredations upon the British Subjects.”  Jenkins’ moving testimony, when he asked the Commons, “How do I look?” and the Speaker replied, “I don’t know what to tell you, Robert,” pushed Parliament towards making war on Spain.  Aside from that moment, however, everyone agreed that Jenkins’ pickled ear was disturbing, and that his keeping it on the mantle for seven years was precisely the sort of thing his friends alluded to when declining his dinner party invitations.

In the summer of 1739, King George II ordered the British Navy to attack and seize Spanish ships and possessions in the West Indies.  War soon followed.  On November 22nd, 1739, six British ships of the line captured the poorly-defended town of Porto Bello on the coast of Panama.  The battle was a walkover, but Britain overreacted by christening Portobello Road in London, awarding the most medals of any 18th century battle, and playing “Rule Britannia” for the first, second, and millionth time.

The war lasted for three more years.  British Prime Minister Robert Walpole fell as a result of his lackluster enthusiasm for the war.  George Anson accidentally circumnavigated the globe, capturing a lot of Spanish gold and losing nine-tenths of his men along the way.  By mid-1742, the war was merged into a general European fracas (War of the Austrian Succession), as these things tended to go.  In the large view of European tiffs, The War of Jenkins’ Ear was a relatively lackluster affair, except to those people who had to hang out with Robert Jenkins from 1731 onwards.


Jun 4 2010

The Fourth Crusade

Aka, “Methias, You Won’t Believe What Went Down Last Night”
1199-1204
European Christians vs. Greek Christians

“Nay more, a certain harlot, a sharer in their guilt, a minister of the furies, a servant of the demons, a worker of incantations and poisonings, insulting Christ, sat in the patriarch’s seat, singing an obscene song and dancing frequently.” – Nicetas Chroniates on the sacking of Constantinople

Hey everybody, let's paaaaaaaaarty!

Hey everybody, let's paaaaaaaaarty!

Most of us know from experience that parties do not always turn out as planned.  A quiet night with friends changes when someone opens the Jim Beam, the guys from next door stop by, and before you know it the toilet is broken and someone needs their stomach pumped.  The Fourth Crusade could have been the Christian West’s terrific gala to ring in the 13th Century.  The quote above suggests just how far the party got out of hand.

New Pope Innocent III needed two years (1199-1201) to get his crusade together, but eventually convinced an army of 33,500 knights, squires, foot soldiers and Alpha Delta Crappa brothers to attack Cairo and march on Muslim Jerusalem.  Those opportunistic party planners, the Venetians, were hired at tremendous cost to ship the war party across the Mediterranean to Cairo (the boats came with bottle service).  The Pope, who should have been an expert on the psychology of temptation, jinxed the whole expedition by giving the army just one rule: don’t attack Christians.

[Future Popes, take note: never give 33,500 religious extremists just one rule.  Even if you only have one rule you care about, make up a second rule just to be safe.  "Don't attack Christians and, um, bring me back some sandalwood bongos.  Don't forget the bongos!"  That way, you can pretend to be upset when they forget the bongos, and use it as cover to excommunicate your political enemies.  It's so easy.]

Does not carry cash

Does not carry cash

Anyhow, only a third of the expected Crusading party showed up in Venice.  The Venetians demanded full payment, which the Crusaders could not meet, having left their wallets back at the castle.  Instead of just washing the dishes, the Crusaders worked off the tab by sacking a Christian town the Venetians hated, and by accepting an offer of money from an exiled Byzantine prince to restore him to the Throne [seen at right].

Before many Crusaders knew what was happening, they found themselves besieging Constantinople.  They installed the prince, Alexius Angelus (now Alexius IV), on the throne and demanded payment.  Unfortunately, the deposed Alexius III had fled with a lot of cash, and Alexius IV could not pay the debt.  Meanwhile, the Constantinople citizenry grew weary of power grabs and the Crusaders’ penchant for burning down neighborhoods.  They supported the overthrow and murder of Alexius IV, and the new Emperor Alexius Ducas (imaginatively taking the name Alexius V) refused to pay the Crusaders.

Wait...didn't that Pope say there was one rule to this party?  What was it again?  Meh.

Wait...didn't that Pope say there was one rule we needed to follow? What was it again? Meh.

At this point some frat brothers came up out of the basement having just finished three games of cognac pong, and the glorious crusade in Christ’s name went completely off the rails.  On April 13, 1204, the Crusaders began an epic three day sack of the city.  They destroyed the world-famous Library of Constantinople, murdered Orthodox clerics, ransacked the unprecedented and magnificent Hagia Sophia church, stole over 900,000 marks of silver, and worst of all, placed a prostitute on the Orthodox throne to sing “obscene song and dance frequently.”  That’s right, dance frequently.

The normal, straightforward, righteous quest to drive the Muslims from Jerusalem turned into the brutal sack of the Orthodox Christians’ most magnificent city.  Many of the Crusaders made off with terrific plunder, leaving vomit on the carpet, empties on the lawn, and the weakened Byzantine Empire to deal with the noise complaints called in by their Muslim neighbors across the Bosphorus.  The fatally weakened Byzantine Empire eventually fell to the Muslim Ottomans in 1453, and the already-tenuous relationship between the Roman and Orthodox Churches was unequivocally severed.

Drink: Pulling a Fourth Crusade

Note: not technically a drink, but rather an embarrassing episode

Ingredients:

  • 1 bottle of expensive liquor (preferably raki)
  • 1 friend’s significant other
  • 1 kitchen table
  • 1 video camera (optional)

Directions:

  1. Go to your friend’s liquor cabinet after the Pope asked you not to.
  2. Take the most expensive bottle you can find.  Or all of them.
  3. Drink it hastily with your friend’s significant other.
  4. Have sex with him/her on your friend’s kitchen table.  Trash kitchen.  Videotape episode or talk about it with everyone.

Apr 29 2010

The Battle of Iwo Jima

The Battle of Iwo Jima took place in the Pacific Theater of World War II between February 19 and March 26, 1945.  More than 70,000 U.S. Marines took part in fierce fighting to root out nearly 23,000 heavily entrenched Japanese soldiers.  It was the only Pacific battle where the Americans suffered more casualties than the Japanese.  Still, only 216 (by some accounts) Japanese soldiers were captured alive.  The battle remains deeply resonate for the U.S. Marine Corps, and was immortalized by Joe Rosenthal’s famous photo of Marines raising a flag on Mount Suribachi, the highest point on the eight square mile island of Iwo Jima.

Drink name: Raising the Flag

alt text

Tall shot glasses emphasize those beautiful, broad stripes

Ingredients:

  • Top layer: blue curacao
  • Middle layer: creme de menthe (clear)
  • Bottom layer: grenadine

Preparation:

  1. Carefully layer shot using pourers.
  2. Raise the flag, preferably with five friends, at the highest point in the bar/kitchen/patio.
  3. Salute the flag and take shot.
alt text

Raising the flag

Three of the six Marines in Joe Rosenthal’s famous photo did not survive the battle.  Interestingly, the photo is of the second flag raising that day.  Marines hiked to the top of the mountain and raised a smaller flag.  Secretary of the Navy James Forrestal, landing on the island, saw the flying colors and asked for the flag.  2nd Battalion Commander Chandler Johnson thought the flag belonged to the battalion, so he ordered it secured and replaced with a second, large flag which Forrestal could have if he wanted.  Rosenthal arrived on top of the mountain in time to photograph the second flag raising, accompanied by cameraman Bill Genaust, who shot video of the same moment.

How’s It Taste?

  • 3 out of 5; not bad.  Mostly minty, but there’s a lot of syrup going on.

Is It Hard To Make?

  • 3 out of 5; takes some skill.  With spouts and patience, the layers are easy.

Does It Pack A Punch?

  • 2 out of 5; easy on the BAC.  The sugar will get you before the alcohol does.